Currents of Faith: Open and Unfolding Reflections

I just do not know how to “act my age.” I read an article in the newspaper recently which spoke of an elderly man, aged 75. “Yikes!” I thought, “Does this mean that I am supposed to be elderly, since I am months away from that age?” I just do not feel elderly! In fact, I do not seem much different than I did at age 40 or 50, except for tiring more quickly and no longer jogging. I was relieved to find another article which spoke of “real age.” This is the age which you calculate by using healthy behaviors. As Adrienne read those behaviors which add years to your life I fared quite well. Okay, I was saved from being an old codger by that new information. I don’t have much to guide on in my family since now I have lived fifteen years longer than my father.

I will be making some concluding statement about how theology has formed my daily life. My statement can be formulated as a question: Given my theology, what is written in my small pocket daily reminder? I could say “the proof of the pudding is in the eating.” How has process theology made a difference in my life as I live now as a retired senior citizen in a home at Woodhaven Place in the city of Wenatchee, Washington in 2007?

I begin with the wisdom I have gained. I have lived through failures and disappointments and have come to accept them. I work diligently to remove “have to’s” from my life and turn them to “could do’s.” I have taken seriously a report by my friend, Dr. Bob Anderson, that of all the criteria studied the one which bests predicts healthy longevity is an attitude of optimism. I accept that which is less than perfect or ideal, living rather with what is possible under these circumstances. I know that important processes take time and though results are desired immediately they seldom are. I look for no golden age, ideal paradise, or utopia. I cannot sing with the British their hopes for life after World War II: “There’ll be blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover, tomorrow just you wait and see. There’ll be love and laughter and peace ever after, tomorrow just you wait and see.” I think each new era will bring forth new problems.

A recent awareness has become important. I am called to accept that I was born in this year, this decade, and this century. Sometimes I have felt anger and resentment that I have to deal with the particular problems of our day, but I remind myself to let those feelings go. I am certain that persons have shaken their fists at the sky that they reached adulthood during the Great War, the Flu Epidemic, the Great Depression, World War II, the Polio Epidemic, Korean War, or the Vietnam Conflict. They were cheated of a peaceful era and robbed of a more normal life! My new wisdom is to cooperate with God during the particular era when I appeared, whatever that era may hold.

I deeply value authenticity in myself and others and seek diligently to accept the authenticity in others. Even as an obsessive-compulsive person who longs for orderliness in my daily life and control over my future, I am increasingly comfortable with uncertainty, ambiguity, and the unknown. I live now with a sense of the incomplete and the unfinished in many of the actions I take, knowing that I will not see the fruition of many of the labors in which I engage. I know that I have procedural skills by which I can visualize an event which I wish to create and see the timing of tasks needed to bring it about.

I have transformed the criticism of older people that they get “set in their ways.” Positively, to have certain routines about what you do when, what you eat or when you go to bed allow one to have increased freedom. I do not need to think about or decide on these issues, thus am more efficient. They are settled, unless I choose to change them. I now have time to concentrate on issues I consider of greater importance. I like the freedom of being set in my ways and I like the occasional excitement of my doing it differently.

In the midst of the many negative words spoken about aging, usually in some form of “he is failing,” and all the many advertised ways of reclaiming youth, I am presently seeking the positive, exciting, and enhancing qualities of this time of life. I am thinking that a major characteristic of my age is that I need many aids, usually in the form of pills. I take a pill to allow me to be sexual, swallow supplements to increase my energy, have regular infusions to protect my lungs from further destruction, breathe inhalants to keep me from wheezing, and wear hearing aids so that I can hear. So far I am not moving in a wheel chair, carrying a canister of oxygen or using a cane. I believe that I can find excitement and satisfaction even with these aids of my age.

When people know that we are retired, they usually ask if we are traveling. No, we are not. Well, we do have one well worn vapor trail between here and Ontario, California, the nearest airport to Claremont. At least twice a year we are there, for the January film festival and June summer institute. In 2008 we will be there in January as usual and in  February to participate in the celebration of the fiftieth year of Claremont School of Theology. While Adrienne has been in China twice and we attended professional meetings in a number of major cities while active in our careers, now I take most of my trips within, exploring issues important to me.

Many others experience retirement as the opportunity to be with family. Usually being with family requires travel. With our adult children and their families in Seattle, Olympia, San Francisco, and Boise, it is not easy to be with them. Togetherness occurs usually during their summer vacations and the major holidays. From their urban locations a small city is not the greatest attraction and we are not financially able to gather all our children and grandchildren and take them to some exotic site. Years of graduate school, time in the ministry and a divorce have not left us with great financial reserve.

We make efforts to combine a family visit with other necessary travel. Crossing mountain passes in winter and leading weekly classes in the church present obstacles. Our visits are more often through email, telephone, letters and packages which do the traveling for us. With all that said, we are present for graduation ceremonies, dance recitals, and soccer games where we “root, root, root for the home team!”

We value our web of friendships in our community and across the miles. I believe that in God’s realm, friends are especially cherished. We delight in friends we have known for years. I have had the joy of officiating at the marriage of De and Eric Rainbolt, baptizing their son, Jim, officiating years later at the marriage of Jim and Jill and baptizing their daughter, Eve. We have watched a generation grow up through our thirty-three caroling events. Original toddlers now bring their toddlers. We have shared in our Sunday class with persons for years, some since the beginning thirty years ago. We cherish our new friends equally. I find the deepest bonds with persons with whom I am engaged in a common mission.

I find that the parts of me which developed in my childhood are still present in both their original and transformed states. The originals have much less influence at this stage of my life. Scaredy cat appears rarely. Saluting Soldier is largely absent. The Death Wisher emerges briefly on particularly gray days and disturbing moments. Rescued Boy requires my attention as he longs for a woman who will take away all his troubles. Steel, the Marine is helpful when I am writing a forthright letter to the editor or my senator. Each is now blended into the person who is the present man.

At this juncture my theology has influenced me to participate in a particular life style, to conform myself to the realm of God proclaimed by Jesus. I see the realm of God and living in process with God as basically alike. I realize that my life style has some unique qualities based on who I am, where I live and the time in which I live. What I offer here is how Adrienne and I seek to live openly to God in the realm of God.

We are active in our local church attending worship regularly. I teach at least two classes a week regularly. I preach in our congregation and others as invited. We are engaged in a committee which is creating a curriculum for new member classes. We take our turn as ushers, communion stewards and coffee servers. We help children make Christmas wreaths and swags at the Advent Event and lead a group caroling persons in assisted living or confined to their homes. We pledge financially and give to special offerings. In all, the church is my mother and I am devoted to her. The church is at the center of my life. I have declined assuming major leadership in other organizations to keep myself centered there.

We eat healthily. Adrienne does this naturally, I do it willfully. My preferred choices would be pasta, cereal, bread and regular slices of pumpkin pie, but I dutifully make salads for our evening meal. I have decided not to eat mammals, beef, pork, or lamb. This decision is partly based on avoiding red meat, but largely in recognition of the tremendous resources of the earth required to place a slice of this meat on our plates. I am also eating less, possibly because the exercising which I do reduces my appetite. It is also easier to eat lightly when it is not necessary to provide the complete meals required by growing children and youth. Often when dining in a restaurant, we will bring half of the entrée home for another meal. I have become convinced that I should live lightly on the land out of respect for God’s creation.

We are aware of our environment. We took out most of our lawn and built raised beds for growing vegetables. We installed a drip system, reducing the need for water and providing a portion of our own food. Surrounding our small area of grass in our front yard we have planted drought resistant flowering plants. I gave away our power lawn mower and bought a push mower, which provides exercise for me, cuts grass as fertilizer for the lawn, and leaves the air clean. We use organic fertilize on trees, flowers, grass, vegetables and lawn, preventing any runoff of commercial fertilizers.

We exercise. Adrienne walks over Skyline Drive five times a week and I join her on the days when I am not working out at the hospital pulmonary rehabilitation center. And I do mean work out! I do not necessarily enjoy having a canula in my nostrils  providing oxygen as I am engaging the treadmill, stepper, elipse, and arm ergomatic or when the group is exercising with weights or stretchies, but I am always happy driving home feeling relaxed and knowing that I have done it once again. I am most pleased that now I can walk up Skyline Drive without pausing for a rest and hold a note longer when rehearsing with Columbia Chorale. I must add that I have been teased a number of times because Adrienne is always ahead of me on the hill. I have playfully thought that I will create a T-shirt which states on the front, “I know she’s ahead of me” and on the back, “She doesn’t have a lung disorder!”

I am pleasantly aware that when my body is in good shape and I feel positive about my body. It affects all other realms of my life. My theology helps me to have a deep respect for the cells within my body and strongly urges me to cooperate with those tiny centers of creativity.

I seek simplicity. In some ways I think that I live as a married monk, although I sense that the frugal Roseworth boy is peeking around the monk’s robes. I find it most challenging in our community and our society to value the simple. In my counseling practice I needed more clothes than I do now as I enter my eighth year of retirement. I need to thin out even more vigorously the sports jackets hanging in my closet which were part of my uniform earlier and are now are worn only on Sunday and special occasions. The same applies for my cotton trousers, my long sleeved shirts and especially to my seldomly worn ties. A friend at church regularly teased me that he could always tell when the Bishop was in town, for I would wear a tie. Actually, he was not quite accurate. I wear a tie on Easter and Christmas Eve! I am gradually moving these remnants of my earlier life to Goodwill Industries so that others might benefit from them as I did earlier.

I am still trying to simplify our Christmas spending. Adrienne is a confirmed giver of gifts. We are, shall I say, in negotiation. I am not a Grinch, nor do I despise the holiday. I love the time of year, the mystery, the colors, the songs in the air, but I do not want to  celebrate it by, buy, buy, buy, wrap, wrap, wrap, send, send, send. I feel intimidated by business and the media. They wish to tell me how to celebrate this holy event. I give gifts in other ways, by creating and teaching a class, by writing an article, or by sharing my loving thoughts in a card. So, I rant and rave and announce that I will spend next Christmas in a monastery!

Several years ago I tried something new. I wrote to our adult children, telling them that I wanted them to take the money they would spend on a gift for me and buy something truly special which they would not normally buy for themselves. Then, their sharing with me the pleasure they derived from that gift would be their gift to me. I would gain pleasure from their pleasure. My plan was vetoed! Undaunted, now I am working on a new plan. I would ask them to choose which of a number of wonderful charitable organizations they would like a gift made in their name. I would encourage gifts to the needy of the world. I will try and probably crash and burn again!

I am truly pleased that we have funds which we can use to support our values. I sense that by giving graciously we are cooperating with God’s desires for the world. We have regularly supported our local church and it special offerings. When we sold our condominium offices we placed $25,000 into an annuity to benefit the Process and Faith program. Later, as we became aware of the plan to create an endowed chair at Claremont School of Theology in Process Theology, we gave $10,000 to that campaign. With contributions from friends in Port Townsend and our daughter in Olympia, our church in Wenatchee has pledged to date $26,000.

Each year we gift to a number of causes which we believe seek the common good. They include The Land Institute, National Public Radio, Bread for the World, Amnesty International, Process and Faith, Claremont School of Theology,  Chelan-Douglas Land Trust, Central Asia Institute, Wenatchee Valley Museum, Just Housing Coalition, Visioning America, YMCA, American Cancer Society and others.

I create myself in a number of ways as I attempt to conform to the realm of God. Some are playful. I am “lunch man,” for I often call people together to fellowship over a meal. When the committee meeting is over at 1:30pm, I ask, “Anyone for lunch.” Bob Anderson and I regularly meet for lunch to plan. I rationalize this pleasure by remembering that Jesus was accused of gluttonous eating and drinking. I have become a public shoe shiner. For two years at the Jefferson-Jackson dinner I have auctioned off my services and actually ended up shining more shoes as a simple gift to others. We obsessive-compulsive people love to see the worn and bruised restored. In fact, counseling involves much of that effort.

We are trash pickers. Adrienne began years ago and I have joined in. With our plastic bags we search for anything which is not bolted down or has roots. The lookout on Skyline Drive is where we often fill our bags. We find that empty Marlboro and Camel cigarette packages vie for first place! While we are sometimes amazed at what people leave behind, we are guided by the image of leaving the world a better place than we found it.

I am a singer. For twenty years I have sat in the bass section of Columbia Chorale, a mixed chorus of about sixty people. During my years in counseling practice, I found singing to be a wonderful release from facing the daily struggles with people. I may have missed one concert in all those years. I don my tuxedo, black bow tie, cummerbund and stand ready to lift my voice. I am aware of scripture: “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord.”

I am a teacher. I love to sit with a group and share feelings, thoughts, and values. With Adrienne, I have facilitated our Sunday adult class for thirty years. My design is to set the stage then facilitate whatever happens. Often my original words are a mere diving board! I do think that God smiles when persons voice a new thought which earlier they had been hesitant to speak. I want to help that to happen. I have told groups that for me talking about theology is like eating candy. I gain great satisfaction as persons form their convictions, beliefs and values for themselves.

I am an active member of a political party. For me the Democratic Party comes nearer to my values than others in our community, so there I stand. I am strengthened by persons who will work for the kind of world we all desire. Long ago I learned that I will not agree with every plank of a platform or participate in every sponsored event, however,  I cannot stand alone as a solitary person and expect to make any changes in the systems of the world. I am a Precinct Committee Officer, I serve on the county executive committee, I have rung doorbells and made many telephone calls. The latter activity I came to call my time of torture. I dislike it and I will do it.

I have found it important in my desire to live in the realm of God to think of my many actions in concentric circles. In the center circle is that to which I am devoted, into which I place much energy, and for which I extend great creativity. I am directly involved, often leading. I am primarily the responsible one. The next circle includes the regular activities where I am a participant but not leader. The third circle would be an occasional event in which I participate.

Moving outward there would be movements which I support by signing my name on a petition or by giving my money. Even farther out would be those actions in the world where my only viable option is to pray actively and fervently for those who are engaged there. That which belongs in each circle may change with time as my involvement fluctuates. I find that such a design allows me to avoid being overwhelmed and burned out.

In the central circle, along with teaching and involvement in the church, I place my leadership with Bob in Visioning America. There I express my deep concern for the wider world reflecting a conviction that God urges me into that dimension. It is a mission which is derived from Jesus’ compassion for the poor, oppressed and needy. At this time I feel intense passion to seek the end of the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. I long for an understanding of the root causes of terrorism to permeate the mentality of persons in our nation and the world. I worry greatly about a potential air strike on Iran and the resulting expansion of warfare. I hope and pray for creative ideas which will bring peace to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I cry for those in Pakistan under marshal law, especially those who are courageously confronting the military.

I cannot close my eyes to the tragedies, conflicts, and struggles in the world. I am compelled to read newspapers and magazines, listen to National Public Radio and watch significant programs on television. We read the New Yorker, Atlantic Monthly, Newsweek, The Nation, and The Week. We are readers. Adrienne reads widely and I read deeply, often for the classes I am leading. We are not avid TV watchers. We may watch two hours of television a week, Bill Moyer’s Journal and for laughs as well as a progressive viewpoint, Comedy Central’s presentation of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. My concern for the world is central for me and grows from my life in God’s realm. I have come to understand seeking the common good as more than the subtitle of our Visioning America organization.

I have given much thought to my dying and death. Of course, death intruded in my life at a very young age. How could I not think about it? I would like to entering the dying process as one who lives in and gains sustenance from the realm of God. I feel a positive curiosity about the process of dying, sad feelings about leaving Adrienne and loved ones while anticipating a life within God’s life. I feel similar feelings about my body, on the one hand sad about leaving it after such efforts to keep it in good health, and on the other knowing that this transition is inevitable. I trust that for God nothing is ever lost. My body will be in the hands of God, continuing to participate in God’s creation.

I hope that I am able to facilitate my own death at that point where I am unable to make any meaningful contribution to others and the world. Stated another way, I do not plan to be a near vegetable sitting in a parlor of a nursing home in a wheel chair, TV blaring, mouth open and unaware of my surroundings. As a pastor I have seen this sight enough times to know that I will do all in my power to avoid it. I wish to die at that time when I can no longer be creative. For me it is an ecological issue. I do not wish to use the resources of the earth when I am contributing nothing in return. I am touched by a story about a medieval monk who was working in the monastery garden. When told that he would die that day, he was asked, “What will you do now?” His reply: “I will finish hoeing this row!” I want that spirit!

My plan is to stop eating and drinking, as well as to end any infusions and inhalants for my lungs. I understand that given those circumstances I would not survive long. I would desire to be confident, gracious and accepting as long as I am conscious, then place myself in the arms of God and let go! I recall the words of John Wesley at his death: “Best of all, God is with us.” Again, respecting the earth, I will be cremated, not wanting to take up valuable space, then scattered by my loved ones on the soil of God’s creation.

I have already written my obituary, which will require some revision and updating and I have some requests for my memorial service. One is that “Pomp and Circumstances” be played on the organ at the conclusion of the service, as I see my death as a commencement. I feel tingly and touched when I hear that music. I suppose I spent too much time at the university.

I am convinced of the unfinished and the incompleteness of those ventures in which I have engaged. I can visualize that the day of my death, a child will be born at the hospital, two beloved will be married, a person will hear a diagnosis of cancer, a family will move into their new home, a young person will receive an A on a history test, a high school senior will receive an acceptance letter from the University, a man will quit his job, an elderly person will be fed her lunch, an accident will occur on the Chelan highway, a woman will light a votive candle in a sanctuary, and a carrier will deliver newspapers on his route. Life will go on!

For me living in God’s realm looks like this in Fall 2007. These are typical entries, though not all are weekly, in my pocket daily reminder. Monday morning: write a description of the Sunday and Wednesday classes for the church newsletter; 5:15pm attend the Just Housing Coalition at St. Joseph’s church; 7:00pm rehearse with Columbia Chorale at the college music center. Tuesday: 7:00am Exercise at the Hospital  Pulmonary Rehabilitation Center. Wednesday: 12:00 noon Facilitate the committee on New Member Curriculum; 1:30pm Lunch with any committee members; 6:00pm Dinner at Church; 7:00 Facilitate the class, Creating Your Own Personal Affirmation of Faith. Thursday: 7:00 am, Exercise at the Hospital; 11:30 Lunch with Retired Clergy; 6:00pm Monthly Chelan County Democratic meeting; 7:00pm Film and Popcorn. Sunday: 9:00am Facilitate Process and Faith Class; 10:30am Worship; 5:00pm Co-lead Visioning America.

I have stated throughout that my life is in process. I repeat it again. There could be changes in my pocket daily reminder next week or next year. This is where I am today with expectations of change, as I accept change as the one thing, besides God’s presence, that we can count on. I am called again to my basic affirmation, that I am a center of creativity continually creating myself. This creating must occur in a context which leads to my affirmation of the importance of contextual creativity. When context changes so will my creating.

I was struck by the attitude of conservative Christian missionaries who were interned in China by the Japanese in World War II. When others were grumbling and complaining about their primitive living conditions there, they were “figuring the Lord has something for them to do even here.” Their new context called for new creativity. May I be as hopeful and optimistic as they. [Langdon Gilkey, Shantung Compound, p198]

I close the story about theology and me with two statements. The first is a selection from scripture which describes how I have felt these past few months as I have labored to put my life into words. The second is my recently composed personal affirmation of faith written in our Wednesday evening class, a work which is in process..

“…they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” [Is 40.30-31]

            My Affirmation

I affirm that I am engaged in an adventure with God.

I trust that God as a gracious companion

            is intimately present with me in each event of my life

            lures me to become gracious, loving, empathic, and caring and

            calls me to be open to a continuing transformation of my total self,

            my emotions, will and intellect.

I trust that God is present with and gracious toward all entities in the universe and

            that through God I am related to all entities as brothers and sisters.

I affirm that Jesus was a human person who experienced God intimately as Abba, Dadda,

            opening himself  to and accepting God’s invitations to be gracious

            sharing with others the invitation to live in God’s realm of grace and

            living and dying faithfully within God’s realm.

I affirm that as a human person I am a center of creativity

            deciding both consciously and unconsciously

            who I will become in each moment

            through the influence of the world, my body, my past, and God.

I affirm my devotion to Jesus

            believing that my challenge is to accept the invitation

            which Jesus offered to those who followed him and

            which is offered to me in each moment

            to conform all facets of my life  

            to the grace of God’s realm

            thereby to seek justice and peace, love neighbor and enemy.

I affirm that through intimate persuasion, God invites me to a vivid immediate 

            experience of the words, acts, healings and presence of Jesus.

I know that at death my body will enter the earth

            where God will be intimate, gracious, and persuasive

            with those molecules and atoms which composed my body.

I affirm that each completed event of my life will be present in the world

            as an offering to influence all future events.

I trust that the conscious self within me will enter God’s life

            lovingly transformed through expanding awareness and empathy

            into wholeness and beauty and

            graciously integrated into the divine vision..

I trust that the future of the world is total possibility and unknown today and

            will become known only as the inhabitants of the world

            choose which possibilities to bring into actuality.

I believe that the world and its inhabitants will continue everlastingly with God in yet

            unknown forms.

I believe that life is filled with mystery and that today I know only intimations

            of the reality in which I move and live and have my being.

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