Currents of Faith: Open and Unfolding Reflections

I learned about sex from my mother, older brother, high school friends, and the barnyard. I recall vividly my mother’s words when I was eleven living on the cattle ranch. A group of us boys and girls were going to play among the willow trees along a nearby creek. Mom said, “keep your pants zipped up!” These words came several years before puberty. This was my first class in sex education.

I felt passionate and tender feelings for my mother. I saw her often in the nude and lying covered with a bathrobe on the bed. I felt a desire to lie with her holding her close and snuggling up to her breasts. I thought that since I was her confidant in so many ways, listening to her pain, agreeing with her desire that my father die, helping her with chores, and staying near her, that being close physically was a natural next step. I never acted on those feelings and I never spoke of them with anyone, but I now think that I was sexualized in this relationship in ways that were not healthy for a young boy. Only in my professional education would I learn that the “Oedipus complex” is common and natural among boys. My sex education was subtle and without words.

Another moment in my education occurred when I was in high school and we were living on the farm near the Snake River. One evening while reading the newspaper my younger brother asked, “What is rape?” While the rest of the family was taken off guard and quiet, my older brother walked over to him and without a word hit him in the face. My second class in sex education emphasized that you do not ask questions!

During those high school years my brother and I were close friends with two other brothers about our age. They taught us the steps to take to “put the make on a girl.” They said that sex was there for the taking if only you knew how to do it. This was my third lesson. When a man brought his bull to breed one of our heifers, we all gathered around and watched. After the bull mounted and penetrated the cow, my mother said, “He sure doesn’t take long.” To which the owner of the bull replied, “Yah, he doesn’t know what he’s missing.” My fourth lesson.

I entered puberty as I began my junior year of high school. I was fourteen. I experienced then what I had only imagined and heard about before. I had a new complex of feelings, a new passion coursing through my veins, yet no more information about these new events than I had as a younger boy. There was no formal sexual education for me in the 1930s and 1940s. I knew no values, meanings, or purposes surrounding sex. The wet dream came one night without any prior announcement and I was ushered, no thrust, into a new world. I masturbated frequently, enjoying the new sensations it brought. One night I was pleasuring myself in bed and my brother told me to quit wiggling the bed. I puzzled that he might not truly understand what I was doing. Wiggling the bed, indeed! Masturbating to be sure! “Jacking-off” was the name for this activity in southern Idaho.

On a number of occasions while lying in bed in the morning, I would feel ever so strongly that I could not go another day without sex. I needed it now! Right now! The urgent feeling would soon pass only to rush forward another day. There were two occasions when I tried to be sexual with a girl and failed. In the first, Harry was driving and I was in the backseat necking with Shirley. I felt that she was becoming quite receptive, when Harry announced that we were heading home now. What a brother! Actually, he probably saved me much heartache. In another instance I was parked with Millie in my mother’s new DeSoto club coupe. As we sat and snuggled I reached down to her ankles and began to move my hand upward on her leg. Her hand quickly blocked mine. Lousy technique! Bad advice! I laughed in later years saying that for once in my life I was a literalist, following my friend’s advice that you need to “feel up a girl.”

My venture in bestiality on the farm was short lived. I simply could not catch the pig and the cow, though held in a stanchion, moved faster and more often than I could move my stool. I felt most embarrassed about these attempted actions, but it was truly I who was the party involved.

When I attended our twentieth reunion at Buhl High School, I was awarded the honor of the one who had changed the most. I simply said, “Yes, I reached puberty!” This was of course a lie, one of my many moments of hyperbole, but still it humorously scored the point that I was a kid when graduating.

I dated at times in college, but not often because I was at least two years younger than the coeds. First, I was a naïve sixteen year old. Second, I was afraid that I would not succeed in college, since I had prided myself on not taking home a book during my senior year at high school. I burned the midnight oil. I did locate the best place to masturbate, in the showers on the lower level of the dormitory. The sound of the rushing water and the shower curtains offered more privacy than the bunk beds in a two person room.

In that era we distinguished between necking, petting, and going all the way. My ventures were primarily necking, some petting, and never going all the way. I did not have those urgent sexual feelings as often because I was so anxious about staying in college.

My entry into the church had an impact on my early sexual education. Knowing the basics, I was to love my neighbor and be kind to others, brought the first sense of values to my understanding of the sexual experience. Force, coercion, and trickery were not acceptable. I would not allow myself to date a young woman simply to have sex. This would violate my newly found faith. I discovered that my feelings toward a young woman could change. Early seen at a distance as a beautiful desirable person, on several occasions I gradually began to see her as one less perfect. I think this meant that the personal qualities which emerged began to influence the way initially I saw her physically. The context surrounding the woman’s physical features emerged. I found another sense of values. Still I was prone to “fall in love” with the young blonde woman singing in the choir even though at a distance in the pew. I knew not a whit about her.

After dating for two years, Patty and I decided to marry following my graduation and the completion of her sophomore year. Following our morning wedding in Pocatello we began our honeymoon in Yellowstone Park by driving to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, where I had been a soda-jerk three years before. When we arrived at the motel, I was ready to undress and “make mad passionate love.” I was excited and eager for this moment, having anticipated it for years. Patty preferred that we have dinner first and we did. I don’t remember what we ate!

I arrived at my marriage day a virgin, not “The 40 Year Old Virgin” as the recent film is titled, but a nearly 20 year old virgin. I must say, however, that I cannot take total credit for this accomplishment. More often the credit goes to the young woman. I could have gladly lost my virginity several times in high school. During college I did hold to the value which would not allow me to use another person and the wisdom to not face unwanted consequences later. Pregnancy or marriage to a person I did not really love did not fit with the goals I had for my life and I felt strongly about my future.

I thank God that my sex education did not end with my marriage. I learned much in the ensuing years which countered much of my earlier teaching. The first wave of learning came from entering the church, the second from my introduction to process theology. I came to gain a perspective on sexuality.

My first realization was that the object of my sexual interest is a subject. Since all the universe is composed of entities which are subjects, surely young women were included. Most of the pictures, words, and images I had seen, heard, and imagined before, placed the female as a two dimensional object disconnected from everything else and placed before me for my pleasure. Most often, I realize, she was employed to sell me that car she was slinking over or that after shave lotion which lured her to draw near to the clean shaven handsome man.

Words for the sexual act described the event as object, not mutual subjects. With this new realization of woman as subject, I was called to expand and include her perspective with mine. It was not just what I wanted, but also what she wanted. She had feelings, passions, dreams, goals, and values just as I did. She was not someone who came out of the blue to meet my passionate needs in these few moments then vanish as quickly as she came. She had a context, a setting and a web of relationships of which she was a part. I saw the consequences of a sexual encounter. Any encounter between this woman and me was subject to subject and had consequences. So, I put on a new pair of glasses, seeing the woman as subject, standing on the same ground as I do.

The most playful insight I experienced was that God experiences a sexual embrace from both sides. Of course, I had known that God feels with every person in every event, but I had not drawn out the logical conclusions of that knowing. God feels with you, God feels with me, God feels with each of us when we are engaged, whether that be in talking, touching, hugging, kissing, fondling or sexual intercourse. I laughed! Yes, of course this follows! I must admit that I felt some jealousy of God, since I only experience from my side. I thought about how much more exciting and rich it must be to feel from both sides.

Indeed, I did not hold that jealousy long, for I realized that pain and hurt often occur on one side, frequently both sides. Rapes, unwanted marital sexual acts and sexual abuse of children are utterly destructive. The forceful one is harmed in different ways than the victim. To harm another sexually is to also bring pain to God. The possibilities which God can offer the abused partner are centered on healing rather than other potentials which could have been elicited. So, I affirmed that I would not harm another sexually and would not bring pain to God.

My third theological insight was that both I and the woman with whom I am engaged are integrated into a wider web of humanity and creation. We are not isolated and standing alone as if what we do matters not to anyone else. We are part of one another and of all others. Others are within us, not standing out there in the distance. What we do affects not only us but in varying degrees everyone. Such a vision says to me that it does matter what we do in contrast to two persons secretly and quietly relating without any effect upon me, her, our families, our friends, our community, our wider world.

This insight hit me hard because often in my sexual fantasies I would see myself and the desired woman engaging sexually after which everyone except me would have amnesia for the event. There would be no remembering, no guilt, and no consequences. I had ripped her and me out of the web of life and for these few moments we were in a realm apart. That we are all integrated though God caused this childlike fantasy to end.

A fourth insight follows from the earlier ones. Sexuality has purpose, actually purposes. Early on the purpose for me was to provide the heightened sensations of an ejaculation. That purpose surely remains but only as one among a number of purposes. Interestingly enough, the other purposes can clearly enrich and enhance the physical pleasure. A song, popular in my young adulthood, helps to make that point: “Love is a many splendored thing.” I believe that the same can be said for sexuality. It too is many faceted, bringing forth varied experiences at different times.

I have seen the extremes in purposes. St. Augustine in the fifth century proclaimed that the only valid purpose of sexual intercourse is procreation. If a man and woman entered into such an act with other motivations they committed sin. I am amused by reviewing my own motivations. I calculate that having been married 54 years and estimating that normally I engaged in intercourse one to two times a week, I would have experienced the sexual act well over 3,000 times. I think that there may have been ten to twenty times, when Patty and I were intent upon having a second child, when I entered with procreation as my goal. In contrast, I proclaim that the sexual embrace is a many splendored thing! In psychological language that would translate as a blend of multiple motivations. To focus only on one aspect is to omit the awesome areas of mutuality, sharing, comforting, giving, receiving, loving, belonging, welcoming, and finally mystery.

The other extreme is Hugh Hefner and his Playboy lifestyle. He is a few years older than I am, 79 I think. He has several beautiful, passionate young women who regularly provide him with a sexual adventure. These women stay in his castle for a time period then leave, to be replaced by a new harem. I like the idea that the sexual embrace is valued for other reasons than St. Augustine required. Yet if Augustine was too limited, I think Hefner is without limits. The woman is placed as object, ripped from her web of relationships, a paid partner, available to satisfy the needs of only one party and not her own, and devoid of a wider and more meaningful mutual relationship. Emphasizing the physical component as the center, epitome and totality of the embrace is to place too much responsibility on that one facet. I affirm that the sexual embrace requires the psychological, relational, spiritual and mystical components to create a heightened experience. In this extreme, an important aspect of sexuality is made into the totality of sexuality.

I basically found in my theology that God is as much a participant in my sexual events as any other event. Again, if God is present in every one of my occasions of experience, then, by golly, some of my experiences are clearly and profoundly sexual. I feel that God is inviting me to create those sexual experiences, whether by imagination, word, or action, to be beautiful, loving, respecting, and enhancing for me, my partner and indirectly all of creation. It is important for me to know that God is present in my sexuality and even more, that God enjoys physical sensations and the sexual embrace. This is in stark contrast to a long tradition in Christianity which could not imagine these two three-letter words in the same sentence: God and sex. I delight in a passionate God!

I was interested in sexuality both personally and academically. This interest has led to a number of adventures. In Pullman, when I served on the faculty of Washington State University, we belonged to a church discussion group we playfully named the “Potluck Philosophers.” Over dinner one evening I mentioned to several other men that I was interested in sex. “Yah, aren’t we all.” I regretted my statement immediately, as I was speaking as an academic study. The howls were too great for me to make my point. Well, I learned!

I read widely in the field and found interesting bits of information. For example, the sexual revolution began in the 1950s with some subtle yet significant changes. Sexual intercourse was considered acceptable earlier only in marriage, then when one was engaged and planning to marry, still later as when two persons loved one another. The acceptable had not yet reached co-habitation, which is the common practice today. My Lutheran pastor friend tells me that most couples coming to request a church wedding are already living together.

During my seminary years, serving as an assistant minister at the West Covina Methodist Church, I assisted with a newly developed course for junior high youth. It was called “Sex and the Whole Person,” and brought both parents and youth to study the web surrounding sexuality. It was a delight and I gained greatly about both the content and process of studying a touchy subject. On arriving in Wenatchee, Dr. Bud Movius, a beloved obstetrician, came to my office asking if I would participate in a YMCA program on sexuality. I did so. We later offered a class together at Wenatchee Valley College and later I designed a session on Sexual Values. This is the setting where I shared the extremes of St. Augustine and Hugh Hefner. I also developed the image of sexuality as a many splendored thing in this setting. These were radical events in the early 1970s in a small conservative community.

The issue of sexual feelings and actions within the counseling office was and is at the forefront of professional concerns. News stories about professionals sexually abusing their patients appear with regularity. In 1982 in a retreat setting in Leavenworth, Washington, Adrienne and I facilitated a program for our region of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors. Under the title of “The Sexuality of the Pastoral Counselor” we guided the group through a process which included introspection, small group sharing, and total group conversation on three statements. “Recall an event when you felt sexual feelings with a client.” “What are the various messages I gave myself about my sexual feelings?” “What resources do I turn to in deciding which sexual feelings and actions are appropriate, ethically responsible, and therapeutic for me to express with a client?”

The event was a huge success largely because we talked with one another about that which is usually dealt with silently and alone. It brought to mind a book title, The Problem Clergy Don’t Talk About.

In 1989, I was invited to participate in a conference on sexuality at Claremont with Dr. James Nelson as the primary speaker. This invitation led to an exploration of deep significance to me, my own lusting. I titled the paper, “The Variety and Complexity of Lusting.” I employed personal introspection and later asked other men how my lusting compared with theirs. There were two main sections of the paper, each beginning with a question. Variety referred to “Lusting After Whom?” and Complexity to “Lusting for What?”

I decided that I would leave no stone unturned. I would shine my flashlight on every shadowy aspect of my own attractions and, allurements. In a summary fashion, the following are the types of women after whom I lusted: teenagers who have developed distinctly feminine features, women in their thirties and forties, mature women who have retained shapely bodies, women in animated film like Snow White, Heidi the Village Maiden, and an imaginary woman who would rescue me. My lusting did not depend on my personally knowing the woman, rather I was attracted to women who were strangers just as often as with those whose names I knew, the young blonde youth singing in the church choir and women with the charms of Venus. Lusting occurred with women who appreciate me and women who welcome me. I was aware that my lusting waxed and waned, grew and faded with a particular woman.

My mode of lusting was clearly visual, my eyes gave rise to lusting. I lusted after parts of a woman rather than the total woman, breasts, cleavage, lips, buttocks, curvaceous body lines, and a body accentuated and revealed by special clothing,   I became aware that there were many women for whom I did not lust, primarily overweight women, elderly women and aggressive women. While I did not experience lust with men, I admired a well-developed masculine physique and had occasions when I would be near a man and visualize myself masturbating him.

I was aware how much I objectified women to the point of lusting after body parts rather than the whole person. My lusting was disconnected, divided and often distant. This was clearly brought to my attention when I presented my paper and a woman in the audience questioned my understanding of “cute.” I had said that I can see if a woman is cute. She replied that she would have no way of knowing if one is cute before talking with her. She was clearly more wholistic than I.   

I shared the 51 items describing some aspect of my lusting with thirteen men in our congregation, asking them to choose the degree to which they also experienced each aspect. I learned that in some areas they were much like me, but in others I was unique.

I continued my exploration by asking, what am I lusting for? This elicited great complexity and clear inconsistency. I found my need to satisfy curiosity, the seeking of beauty, a way to celebrate together, a desire to feel welcomed, an urge to fall in love again, a present opportunity to make up for what I missed in my earlier life, the satisfying sensation of a sexual release through ejaculation, the comfort of  being cared for, the gratification of  possessing  a beautiful woman, the power to release the rapist within me, the feeling of importance, the exacting of revenge, a moment of sharing with another and a blending of a number of complex feelings.

The thirteen men joined me largely in the realm of satisfying curiosity. It was interesting to me that in a survey published in 1965 men gave their primary reason for extramarital affairs as curiosity. They wondered, what would it be like with another partner?

I discovered within myself, and the thirteen men largely agreed, that the process of lusting had the following characteristics: it had not been modified by aging or physical changes, was not due to unhappiness in their marriage relationship or lack of sexual opportunity, was intensified by the absence of their partner, was not taken away by a recent sexual embrace, and was shaped by one’s unique past.

This process of searching the depths, surfacing those desires and longings which are often left unexplored, surely assisted me to become more accepting of my variety and diversity. My only update is that when I completed this study I did not have the conclusions of the Jesus Seminar regarding Matthew 5.28, presumably a statement by Jesus: “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The Fellows did not consider this an authentic statement of Jesus! Early church, not Jesus! I was relieved!

Because I had participated in the Claremont sexuality conference I was invited to attend a church related event in Stony Point, New York which was designed to bring together forty men of all sexual orientations, straight, gay, bi-sexual, transgender. Dr. James Nelson and Rev. James Forbes, minister of Riverside Church, NYC, served as facilitators. We heard presentations in the total group and were assigned to small groups, each made up persons representing all sexual orientations. I felt excited to be in personal interaction with these men. The irony is that in our group we spent most of our time assisting a heterosexual man with his heterosexual relationships. I would have never predicted this outcome!

Following all of those enriching and expanding experiences I began a serious study of homosexuality. As with many other ventures, it started in our Sunday morning class. I examined carefully the seven passages in scripture which purportedly speak of homosexuality and quoted often by those discussing the issue. One would expect that the Sodom and Gomorrah texts would be prominent, but I was most surprised to find a parallel of the Sodom account in another book of the Hebrew Bible. I consulted all the commentators I could locate who offered interpretations of these texts. I listed all differences among them. I went beyond canonical scriptures and studied early and late documents, some sacred others secular.

I am unable to report my findings in such a small space, but I can offer my own personal conclusion. When I asked, “What is all the fuss about?” I responded, “Men, for God’s sake never, never, never act like a woman!” In my research I think I had run headlong into the lowly status and unimportance of women. I had crashed into patriarchy!

After offering this material in discussion form in our Sunday class, I shared it again in a  Wednesday evening class. Then I received a flyer calling for papers for a Gender Conference sponsored by the Washington State Psychological Association, of which I was a member. I wrote an abstract and described my design. In 1994 I facilitated a workshop on “Researching the Bible on Homosexuality.” I had a great time and since then have presented my findings at a program sponsored by the Gay-Straight Alliance of Wenatchee Valley College.

These are my ventures in the area of sexuality, both personal and academic. I have traveled many miles from the ranch and the farm. As I noted earlier, I delight that God is part of every sexual feeling, fantasy, word, and action which I experience. I do not mean that God affirms everything I feel, imagine, speak or do, but that God knows me as a sexual person. I am pleased that God lures me to be a most loving, gentle, passionate partner who is equally aware of and concerned with my beloved’s needs as my own. I am gratified to know that God experiences all that I and my beloved experience.

“Whither shall I go from thy Spirit? Or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend to heaven, thou art there! If I make my bed in Sheol, thou art there!” [Ps139.7-8]    I think that somewhere between those wide boundaries spoken of by the Psalmist are sexual experiences. To the Psalmist, I say, Yes!